I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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