the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
