i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
