Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
