how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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