i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
