Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
