i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
