Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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