i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
