you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
