For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
