listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
