i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
