my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
