I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
