He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
