Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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