party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize