you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
