He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
