birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
