i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
