Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it hurts more in the daytime
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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