Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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