Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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