I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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