She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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