I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
