Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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