at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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