Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
