my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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