im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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