I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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