i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
