Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
