Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize