Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
