i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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