Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
