I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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