You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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