I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize