i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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