I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
