My pussy is not your playground.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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