Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
