My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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