Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
