just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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