I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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