my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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