I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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