My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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