Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
