chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize