i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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