i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
