I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
