Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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