Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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