Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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